NuTH0uSe LOONEY BIN



correspondence from our inmates and outpatients





I need a break from the tripe my students write. I Teach college english.
Ellen Straw, COVINA, CA.



College English? Is that a particular dialect? In what regions of the country is it spoken? Does it count as a foreign language credit? We took Remedial English in high school.but we're not fluent.



YOU've got a great zine with some good guffaws.
kara lamb, assistant editor, malibu comics, westlake village, CA



And here we were about to lay off the entire Guffaws Department.



THE OTHER DAY, WHILE WATERING MY CAr, a great bird obscured the sky (it said "Goodyear" on it) and flashed this message: "if your wheels are loose, why don't you check your nuts?" being a good citizen, i contacted nuthouse immediately. andrew J. Cunningham, DEcatur, GA.



You did the right thing, Andrew. We just checked. Our nuts are present, accounted for - and resting comfortably, thank you.



I assume no sharp objects will be enclosed in your publication because they take them away from me.
marcella Durr, panama city, FL



Attention all Nutcases: The "Running with Scissors" marathon we scheduled for later has been indefinitely postponed.



i have a problem i could use some advice on. it concerns the aa meetings i'm forced to attend. AA is a group therapy program combined with a build-your-own god kit that contains 12 basic steps. i do not want a god made in my own image because i'm an ugly old fart who looks a lot like don knotts. i would certainly not wish that on anyone. right now, i am torn between making my god a green frog or a white rabbit. i simply cannot make up my mind. i need some help.
john B. denson, green cove springs, fl



We consulted theologians from Rome to Tibet. You're not going to believe this, John, but you WERE created in the Great One's image. God does resemble Don Knotts. On the down side, He's not flattered by your letter.



When I got your magazine, i immediately tore it open and found my name in the letters section. i whooped with delight. my mother came running over to see what all the commotion was . when she found out her baby had his name printed in a nationally renown and respected journal, she cried with joy. My dad pounded me on the back and said, "Son, i knew you'd amount to something someday." the small town of ortonville held parades in my honor. the mayor declared "Mark louis Baumgart day." there were speeches, banquets. beautiful babes threw themselves at me. fourteen textbooks on how to write the perfect letter are going to reprint my missive. i can truly say that appearing in nuthouse changed my life forever.
mark Louis Baumgart, ortonville, michigan



You've described the typical experience of a Lo0NeY BiN correspondent, though that bit about your mother sounds completely made up.



Every time my spell checker sees "nuthouse," it suggests "outhouse."
frank vogel, stanardsville, VA.



That's why we don't uze a spill chekker.



I correct misplaced apostrophes on public signs. "God, look at how they spelled that! Where's my eyebrow pencil?" the obsession could stem from lingering regret about not entering a convent back in the days when nuns wore those groovy outfits with giant rosaries for belts.
mary tompsett, racine Wisc.



Your obsession is not unique. Nuns who used eyebrow pencils to correct misspelled words cast a confusing influence on many young lives.





yesterday, i woke from a fungal stupor and extinguished a generic cigarette in a shimmering pool of emesis. i then violently coughed up a substantial amount of congealed blood, which i swear to god looked like grape jelly.
sean aden lovelace, knoxville, Tenn.



Just not a morning person, eh, Sean?



As you can see, i live here in las vegas with two kids, three cats and a snake. well, maybe you can't actually see but you can take my word for it.
tracey lynn, las vegas, NV.



Actually, we can see, Tracey. We see everything. The snake is our operative. Look into His eyes. Do as He commands. Dance for Him! And bring over those tasty little kitties.



ON Monday, a duck walks into a pet store and asks the clerk: "Got any duck Food?" "No," replies the clerk. "We don't sell duck food."
ON TUESDAY, the duck walks into the same store. "Got any duck food?" "No," the clerk says. "We DON't sell duck food!"
ON WEDNESDAY, THE DUCK AGAIN goes to the same store. "Got any duck food?"
"We don't sell duck food!" the clerk screams. "And if you come back again, I'll nail your web feet to the floor!"
on thursday, the duck again enters the store. "got any nails?"
"NO," Replies the clerk.
"Got any duck food?"
Colleen king and gary king, peoria, Ill.



So what happens on Friday? The clerk finds a staple gun?



we should be grateful to tobacco smokers. Without them, many of our number would be deprived of the most acceptable current excuse for being sanctimonious.
ROY Hammond, centenary, S.C.



Which reminds us: The Coalition Against Second-Hand Smoke wanted us to extend an invitation to you, Roy, to its annual campfire meeting.



the doctor says i look good in micro-minis and spike heels. I'm not sure about this new approach to analysis, though. when did lying on the counselor's couch get replaced by sitting on his lap?
pat pratt, columbus, GA.



Shush! Not so loud, Ms. Pratt. If it heard your comments, a medical licensing board may not grasp the complex rationale behind our therapists' unconventional techniques. However, we assure you that you are in trustworthy hands. Now, please change into that French maid uniform, as your doctor ordered.





Twin Rivers Press



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Ellenton FL 34222